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What Do Exceptional Couples Know That Others Don't?
If roughly fifty percent of marriages fail, what about the other fifty percent--the ones that "succeed"? Are those couples who stay together necessarily happy?
No, not necessarily. In fact, many marriages that remain intact are far less than ideal. A mere seven percent are really good--in fact, exceptional. These couples have much greater than average passion, happiness, longevity, and fulfillment.
But if less-than-exceptional marriages are made up of men who are supposedly from Mars and women who are supposedly from Venus, what planet do exceptional husbands and wives come from? What are the secrets of exceptional couples. . .and what can they teach us?
Marriage therapist Gregory K. Popcak believes that ways of relating employed by exceptional couples can benefit all marriages. In The Exceptional Seven Percent, he looks at the most successful couples and exposes their secrets. Each chapter examines in detail the basic characteristics of exceptional couples, including:
• Developing a marital imperative
• Setting and achieving emotional goals
• Cultivating exceptional levels of fidelity, loving, service, rapport, negotiation, gratitude, joy, and sexuality
Through anecdotes, analyses, exercises, and quizzes, you'll learn what your weaknesses are and how you can begin to make positive changes. You have the power to turn your marriage into the most precious thing in your life. Why settle for anything less?
Gregory K. Popcak, MSW, is a licensed psychotherapist who developed and now runs marriage preparation and enrichment seminars. He also writes regular marriage and family columns for popular and professional journals and runs a private practice. He lives outside Pittsburgh.
- Sales Rank: #401330 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Citadel
- Published on: 2002-08-01
- Released on: 2002-08-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.96" h x .68" w x 6.04" l, .74 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
- ISBN13: 9780806523583
- Condition: New
- Notes: BRAND NEW FROM PUBLISHER! 100% Satisfaction Guarantee. Tracking provided on most orders. Buy with Confidence! Millions of books sold!
From Publishers Weekly
With a mature style that is intellectually appealing, Popcak shares his inspiring conviction that marriage can be a powerfully actualizing enterprise. Drawing on the results of several marriage studies, he contends that while most marriages are "conventional" (read: average), and some are even "impoverished," a fortunate 7% are "exceptional." Having a marriage in the exceptional category, says Popcak, requires a commitment to live your life according to a "Marital Imperative," a motto of sorts that identifies the most important qualities that each partner strives to manifest in life through the marriage. This imperative then becomes the basis for all decision making, including even minor daily activities. In this way, exceptional couples exhibit greater congruence between their actions and beliefs and stand a much greater chance of faithfully exemplifying their most desired personal qualities. Like Stephen Covey and Abraham Harold Maslow, Popcak focuses on the refinement of peak performance. Offering engaging exercises and checklists to help readers clarify their aims and progress along his theoretical pathway to self-actualization, he challenges conventional couples to recognize how much better their marriage could be with a few attitude adjustments and priority clarifications. Self-improvement aficionados will find his approach a welcome and refreshing addition to the genre. Illustrations not seen by PW. (June)
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
About the Author
Gregory K. Popcak, MSW, is a licensed psychotherapist who developed and now runs marriage preparation and marriage enrichment seminars. He also writes regular marriage and family columns for popular and professional journals, and runs a private practice. He lives outside Pittsburgh.
Most helpful customer reviews
36 of 36 people found the following review helpful.
Turned our marriage around 180 degrees
By Amazon Customer
This is an exceptional book that aims at an attainable goal--attainable as long as you understand what you're trying to do. You can't get what you want if you don't know exactly what you want. I wanted an exceptional marriage, but didn't understand why it wasn't happening. Had I married the "wrong" person? Were we not as compatible as I thought when we got engaged?
It is absolutely exciting how radically for the better your married life can change when you systematically follow the principles in this book. It did in my case. And as I changed, so did my wife toward me.
So, what's the secret? Nothing less than living up to the commitment you happened to proclaim publicly on your wedding day--"to love and to cherish in good times and in bad...till death do us part." Is that unconditional or what?
Tall trees can't grow tall in shifting sands. An exceptional marriage is absolutely rooted in the solid ground of unconditional commitment.
Lofty language, but it all boils down to this: so many marriages fail when the participants get caught up in thinking "I'd be nice to her if only she were nice towards me," or "I'd do for her what she wants if only she would act towards me in such a way as to deserve it."
Children! Children! Hey, I used to hear those voices in my own head. I started to grow up when I found the courage to embrace the pain of admitting to myself that maybe I really wasn't the man or husband I wanted to be.
The authors of this book made it plainly obvious to me what I was doing wrong. I wasn't really secure in the person I had become at this point in my life, less than my own ideal. Heck, I had forgotten what that ideal was. (Springsteen's song "One Step Up" always tears me up when he sings "Somewhere along the line I got off track...")
That's where this book is so great. It asks you to be clear about what you want to be when you grow up.
So what does it take to have an exceptional marriage? Read this book. Decide who you want to BE. Choose daily to remind yourself to act lovingly toward your spouse whether your spouse happens to be her best self toward you that day or not. The authors discuss the different stages of improvement in marriage, and how you'll never get to the highest stage if you make your love dependent on circumstances of the moment. You need to see beyond the moment to your vision of what it means to be a great husband or wife.
Want a marriage that's better than average, that's exceptional? Then you've got to be bigger than yourself. Yes, you might even have to grow up. With the help of these authors, I have, and man, the view from here is incredible.
15 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Helped me more than any other marriage book
By Abraham D. Alsop
Many books on marriage are designed to teach the basics of communication skills (love languages) to those desperate couples who are on the verge of divorce or abuse, helping them to rebuild their love. This book, however, is for the rest of us, who are in a good position already, who are deeply in love, and maybe even think we don't need help as it's all working just fine. Popcak calls us to a higher ideal, tells us to not settle for being just fine, but to try to be exceptional. Have that type of marriage that fulfills your life's dreams and works for the good of your children and society. The Exceptional Seven Percent does not hide the fact that it will take sacrifice and letting go of old ways of thinking, but it will be well worth it. With surveys and questions along the way, this book makes it easy to chart your progress as you advance through the stages towards being one of the world's happiest couples. Yes, it really is possible, if you're willing to work at it.
11 of 11 people found the following review helpful.
Best Marriage Book I've Seen
By Craig K. Galer
This is the best marriage book I've seen. It resonates strongly with my wife's and my experience in our 29-year (as of this writing) first marriage, and also showed us some very constructive ways to improve what we already count as a very good marriage.
Popcak's central theme is The Marital Imperative - sort-of a marital "mission statement" of shared spiritual goals and values - as a Guiding Principle for both spouses to refer themselves and each other to. Or, as Popcak glibly puts it, "What kind of person do you want to be when you grow up?" So that, if I am behaving in a way inconsistent with my own stated goals and values, my wife can 'call me up' to what I've already said is my own vision for the kind of person I want to be. (And it is amazing, isn't it, how we so easily manage to 'make exceptions' to The Kind of Person I Want to Be, when it comes to our spouse? Or our children?)
Popcak very clearly shows how 'Conventional' marriages fall short of what it takes to become Exceptional; how such common tactics as 'Scorekeeping' (a scrupulous focus on 'fairness' and a relentless drive to 'The 50-50 Marriage') and 'Marital Chicken' (a game to see which spouse can make the other one 'blink first' in an argument) have corrosive effects on marriage.
Popcak outlines nine Secrets of Exceptional Marriages - the Marital Imperative, Fidelity (not simply sexual fidelity, but rather fidelity to one's own spiritual values and ideals), Loving, Service, Rapport (a more-comprehensive kind of 'communication'), Negotiation (resolving differences), Gratitude, Joy, and Sexuality. What was stiking to me was how Service flows out of Love - it's the practical expression of Love; where Love 'gets real', so to speak, rather than simply good feelings - and, in turn, how Service fuels so many of the other 'secrets', especially Gratitude, Joy, and Sexuality. It amounts to something more like a '100-100 Marriage' - both spouses just 'go all-in' for each other.
I've read a few of Popcak's other books, and they have all been excellent. 'The Exceptional Seven Percent' is written for a more 'general' audience (as opposed to a specifically Christian or Catholic one), but the truths he communicates here are universal, and accessible to anyone, regardless of their specific 'spiritual' commitments.
This is a terrific book; it gives a very solid, straightforward account of what it takes to have a strong marriage, and how to move from wherever your marriage is into something stronger and more enduring.
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